dwcoon's blog: I don't want to suffer anymore.

3/15/2014 1405

I don't want to suffer anymore.

I need serious professional help. I am sick and I am suffering. I need medicine. I am not a medicine doctor, however I am absolutely certain about what helps me. I know what I need. Nobody knows me better than me. I know what makes me feel better. I am an intelligent and conscientious human being. I have tried many things to alleviate my mental pain. I have done my research and I have found that I am not alone. I have read hundreds of testimonials from other people who are struggling with the same problem as me.

I have what I call a hyperactive brain. Some people call it ADD or ADHD. Whatever you want to call it, it doesn't really matter. What is important is that I am suffering in my own head. I think a million thoughts a minute without rest. I just want relief. I want to calm down and relax. I want to enjoy life like normal people. I have great difficulties just sitting still. This mental condition torments me day and night, and has been my whole life.

I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I need help.

If only there was a medication that could help? ADD stimulate medication helps a lot (without my Concerta I wouldn't have been able to focus enough to write this paper), but it doesn't relieve the constant mind racing that I experience everyday. So far in my life I have only found one thing that really alleviates the mental anguish, if only for a short time, but it truly does wonders. That one thing is smoking a small amount of quality marijuana.

What I am about to say is profound! Please take it seriously!

Just smoking a tiny bit of marijuana makes me want to live! This statement is so profound because without it, I honestly would rather not live then continue to suffer. I am absolutely serious about this. This is not a joke. This is my life we are talking about here. This is a matter of quality of life. If something like smoking a little bit of marijuana helps me, and makes me want to live, then why shouldn't I be allowed to have it???

Just a small amount of marijuana (once a day or less) makes me happy, it helps me sleep, it helps me think better, it helps with the side effects of the stimulate medication by increasing my apatite, it makes me creative and more active, it greatly enhances the quality of my life. It is as if my racing brain finally slows down to a normal pace for a moment. It makes me want to live.

I would rather not smoke at all if possible, I would much rather take medicine under the supervision of an experienced psychiatrist who understands ADD. I don't want to have to go to the hood and buy my life saving medicine from some shady drug dealer! I don't deserve to be criminalized. I don't want to get my medicine from some unregulated, unknown source. That is dangerous and totally irresponsible to make me have to resort to the underground black market. I want real medicine, from a doctor that I trust. I want guidance about how to properly use it. I don't deserve to feel guilty about wanting to feel better. All I am trying to do is feel better. That's all. I am not hurting anyone.

If there was some other medication that improved the quality of my life like marijuana does, I would be all for it. My psychiatrist has tried all kinds of other medicine on me. I have tried a number of antidepressants, anxiety medication, and I even tried bi-polar meds, nothing has worked. These medications always make me feel 'dumb down' in a weird uncomfortable way. Probably because depression and anxiety are not my problem. I have a hyperactive brain, that is what needs treatment. So far nothing clears my mind and makes me feel as good as marijuana does. There must be a medical form of marijuana, either edible or in pill form or something. If not then smoking is the only way to go.

The cruel reality is that if I want something to slow my brain down to relax, the only legal available alternative that I have access to is alcohol. Alcohol is far more dangerous for me than marijuana. In the absence of having the proper medication (Ritalin and marijuana), I have turned to alcohol in the past in an attempt to self-medicate. All I wanted was relief from my hyperactive brain. Drinking nearly destroyed my life. I am lucky to be alive today. If I had had access to just a small amount of marijuana back then, I never would have turned to drinking and I would have stayed out of a lot of trouble. It is widely accepted that marijuana is safer than alcohol.

I didn't ask to have this misunderstood neurological disorder. I am not normal. I have a serious mental condition. Thankfully, with the proper help, it is treatable and manageable. I am just trying to make the best of my situation and live my life. I want and deserve to be happy.

I am not stupid. I have carefully considered all of the pros and cons. The temporary relieve that marijuana brings totally outweigh any of the negative consequences. This is my life, this is my choice. I don't want to continue to needlessly suffer when a safe medical solution is right in front of me. The quality of my life is simply not what it could be. I am not happy. And if this one simple thing fixes that for me, then I deserve it.

Please allow me to briefly explain how I feel with and without marijuana (not that I should have to justify or try to convince anyone, because frankly it is not anyone's business but my own. This is an issue between myself and my doctor, nobody else has the right to infringe on my right to liberty and my right to peruse happiness).

Without it, I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my own brain and the constant stream of never ending thoughts, that I don't feel like doing much. I feel so burdened that I sometimes just want to not live anymore just to escape the constant mental suffering. I constantly contemplate suicide as a sweet escape from the suffering in my own head. But when I take just one small puff, something truly magical happens. My life seems to come into perspective. My troubles seem manageable, I gain a tremendous new found appreciation for life. I want to live. I start doing stuff that I enjoy. I clean my room and organize my belongings. I view life from a whole new perspective. I think more clearly about my life and my current situation. I think of solutions to my problems rather then just be tormented by them. I feel happy. And everything single time I'm feeling down and I smoke a little, I vow to myself that I want to live, and that I want to continue life. I think it's crazy that just moments ago I was seriously thinking about killing myself. Thank god I didn't, because this life I have is precious. I have so much left to do with my life. I have dreams and aspirations and goals that I want to accomplish. Just that one small puff makes this feeling of hope and the desire to live lasts for days.

I am talking am an incredibly small amount of high-grade marijuana. I am not a pothead, I am not a stoner, I don't want to just “get high” and do nothing. I take great offense to these stereotypes and anyone that judges me for my desire to make myself feel better. You don't know what it is like in my head. You don't know how incredibly profound these feelings I have are. I don't judge you, and you absolutely have no right to tell me what to do with my life. This is my life we are talking about here. And it is a matter of quality of life. For me, this is a matter of wanting to live vs not wanting to live.

I am a veteran, a college graduate and a honest to god good person. I have so much to offer this world. And right now, if I don't get the help I need, this world is in risk of losing me forever. All I am asking for is the right to do what makes me happy. This is a matter of life and death for me. I would rather die than continue to suffer living my life without the proper medication. All I want is relief from my constant mental suffering. And if I just get the help I need (the proper medicine to treat my ADD), I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can live a happy and successful life.

Help stop the hypocrisy and the tyranny. Stop the needless destructive prosecution of innocent people who use marijuana for whatever reason they want. Allow people the freedom to make their own choices. Stop filling the jails and burdening the courts with this pointless prohibition. Everyone knows that prohibition doesn't work. What we as a society need is sensible regulation and laws based in science, compassion and human rights instead of failed, outdated, horrificly unfair, racist laws of the past. It is time to move forward as a society. No more innocent people need to have their lives shattered, or worse lose their lives because of this bogus needless oppression.

I am not a drug addict. I am not a loser junkie that just wants to get high. I am an honest citizen that needs medicine. I wish I didn't need medicine at all. I wish I was normal like everyone else. If I can get marijuana on the street and that makes me feel better, I am sure that modern medicine has something that can help me. I'm sure that I can get something better and safer from a doctor. I mean what kind of world do we live in that I can get live changing medicine on the street instead of the pharmacy? There must be some kind of medicine out there that can help me. I want to follow the law and do what is right. I have tried everything I can. I know in my heart what is right for me. I don't want to live in a world that criminally persecutes people who are just trying to make themselves feel better. Enough damage has already been done. Help me get this vitally important medication now, before I become the next causality of the war on drugs.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. For more information and resources, please visit a website I have made to support my argument to end the war on drugs.

https://sites.google.com/site/drugwarstatistics/

Stop treating Medical Marijuana Patients like second rate citizens and common criminals by forcing them to the dangerous black market for their medicine.

Risking incarceration to obtain the medicine you need is no way to be forced to live.

Support Medical Marijuana Now!

"[A] federal policy that prohibits physicians from alleviating suffering by prescribing marijuana for seriously ill patients is misguided, heavy-handed, and inhumane." — Dr. Jerome Kassirer, "Federal Foolishness and Marijuana," editorial, New England Journal of Medicine, January 30, 1997

"[The AAFP accepts the use of medical marijuana] under medical supervision and control for specific medical indications." — American Academy of Family Physicians, 1989, reaffirmed in 2001

"[We] recommend … allow[ing] [marijuana] prescription where medically appropriate." — National Association for Public Health Policy, November 15, 1998

"Therefore be it resolved that the American Nurses Association will: — Support the right of patients to have safe access to therapeutic marijuana/cannabis under appropriate prescriber supervision." — American Nurses Association, resolution, 2003

"The National Nurses Society on Addictions urges the federal government to remove marijuana from the Schedule I category immediately, and make it available for physicians to prescribe. NNSA urges the American Nurses' Association and other health care professional organizations to support patient access to this medicine." — National Nurses Society on Addictions, May 1, 1995

"[M]arijuana has an extremely wide acute margin of safety for use under medical supervision and cannot cause lethal reactions … [G]reater harm is caused by the legal consequences of its prohibition than possible risks of medicinal use." — American Public Health Association, Resolution #9513, "Access to Therapeutic Marijuana/Cannabis," 1995

"When appropriately prescribed and monitored, marijuana/cannabis can provide immeasurable benefits for the health and well-being of our patients … We support state and federal legislation not only to remove criminal penalties associated with medical marijuana, but further to exclude marijuana/cannabis from classification as a Schedule I drug." — American Academy of HIV Medicine, letter to New York Assemblyman Richard Gottfried, November 11, 2003

"[The LFA] urges Congress and the President to enact legislation to reschedule marijuana to allow doctors to prescribe smokable marijuana to patients in need … [and] urges the US Public Health Service to allow limited access to medicinal marijuana by promptly reopening the Investigational New Drug compassionate access program to new applicants." — Lymphoma Foundation of America, January 20, 1997

Facts from http://nypost.com/2014/01/05/gov-cuomo-to-approve-medical-marijuana/

Testimonials from other people with ADD who have found relief

After having entirely too many people tell me that I may have A.D.D. I finally started looking into it. Wow what an eye opening experience it has been. One man I had to respond back to you because you describe what I've been living with to the letter. I also began smoking pot around 18. At about the age of 23 I began doing it on a regular basis. Soon I found myself more "attentive" to certain things. By the age of 25 I began smoking on a daily basis. I also found myself back in school. This time unlike any of my public school experience I found myself at the top of the class. I will 100% attribute it to my smoking of weed without a doubt. The ability is in me to do very well for myself, it always has been, I could just never focus before.

This is where I say I feel a strong connection with what you talked about. My normal (not high) is a cloud of everything in my life at once. One thought leads to another thought to another thought to another thought and many times on has very little to do with the next thought. One moment I'm thinking of my professional career and the next I'm thinking of when I was in 3rd grade staring out the window with the teacher talking straight at me and I'm not listening. I'm to the point where I make it known that if talk to me I tell them "Get to the point quick or I will quit listening to you and to not take it personal". I'm known for being involved in a full blown one on one conversation and next thing you know I'm lost in my own head. I'm good for telling people "I'm sorry I quit listening to you there for a minute, lets go back over that.". It all stems from the countless things going on in my head.

You elude to things going on in your head so fast that they seem to all meld together and that it's like your thinking of them simultaneously all at the same time, I suffer from this exact same thing and I do repeat myself a lot.

I have adhd and i feel that weed helps me to stop thinking about everything all the time. right now while im typing this sentence im thinking about the wind outside, my family watching tv, if i type loudly, my glass of milk, my sisters radio playing some country song and it hasnt even been playing for a while. i feel like my mind is a merry go round spinning incredibly fast and thoughts keeping getting on but not getting off. so i continuously think of them one by one, but so fast that they meld together and it feels like im thinking of them simultaneously. when im smoking im able to forget things that dont matter, and allow myself to relax to a state that i haven’t been able to find anywhere else in my life, including with prescription drugs that ive taken help my thinking. the higher i get the more i can relax my mind but as a side effect i get more and more forgetful which causes other problems like forgetting the subject that im talking about at the time which can be really bad. if im with people i dont know i appear to be a pushover and if im too high i am and cant help it. ill just forget about what made me pissed. i also start repeating myself because im not used to thinking that slowly. i feel that these are small sacrifices for the chance to let my mind ease without out all of the mental interferences, but i dont go past the point of short term memory loss if i have to do things or im with people that dont know i have adhd. being high does also enhance all of my emotions which can suck if im feeling sad or paranoid but it also helps me to think of good things and escape my tireless revolving mind. if you listen to hiphop or even if you dont try listening to kid cudi when your feeling an emotion you dont want to. it always makes me feel happy and content.
im so happy that i was able to find an open discussion on this topic ive never been able to talk to anyone who is going through the same thing. i wouldnt say that weed is good for everyone with adhd, because everyone is different. i do know that it is incredibly helpful to me and can be to others.

i am a 25 yr old mother of two. My husband and i both smoke a small amount of medicinal marijuana every night at exactly 7:30 and have for years. I am a homemaker, my husband has a well paying job, we own a nice house, attend church every sunday, pay our bills and live a life of honesty and simplicity. i have been diagnosed over the years with a myriad of mental health issues ranging from OCD, ADHD, to bipolar, depression, borderline personality disorder, i have seen many mental health care workers and been put on MANY different medication. They would work for about two weeks and sloose all effectiveness resulting in constant dosage increases. Eventually i literally became a drooling vegetable with no emotions or cares. my mother took me of meds seeing that this was not going to work. i moved out shortly after that at age 18 and for five year "went crazy" i tried cocaine, was homeless and put myself in dangerous situations constantly.

After five years i knew this wasnt working. i went back to mental health worker and was finaly diagnosed with ADHD and all other symptoms were a result of this underlying conditions. they started me on similar meds again and i encountered the same results. constant dosage increase, severe weight gain and no emotions! i felt like a psychopath, seriously.

so i decided i need something completely different.

I decided to start smoking a controlled amount of marijuana at night to calm me down and allow me to sleep and stop my mental rollercoaster. My thoughts never stopped, i acted impulsively, NEVER slept, was emotional, crying and laughing, anger and extacy all rolled into to one. Marijuana worked! the side effects ( munchies and lack of motivation) were worth the calming effect they had. I only smoke at night when all my work is done and my children are sound asleep so motivation isnt necessary and i control my munchies with having lots of healthy snacks such as veggies and fruit. i know long term effects may be bigger but I find any side effect of marijuana a lot more healthy than any of the high dosage drugs i was given before. i think marijuana used in SMALL daily amounts (by itself, no alcohol or medication combined with it) can be quite beneficial for people with ADHD and other mental health issues. Do NOT smoke before ge 18 as it can permanently damage brain growth. Do NOT smoke large amounts becuz getting high is not the goal, only the relaxing effects. smoking too much usually has opposite result of turning you into a "fried" stoner. it as if it were medication, with controlled dose. do NOT increase if effectiveness wears off, stop for a week and resume. and it its not working, have the self respect to stop using and find other means of controlling your ADHD, i think everyone responds differently to marijuana.

This is my advice for any ADULT struggling with ADHD and having NO OTHER solution. I am not a doctor or trained to give this advice this is my personal opinion, please take that into consideration.

thanx

Marie

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a child. Now I am 30. There are times when I have trouble concentrating on getting things done unless it is something I am really interested in. When I was 14 I was introduced to marijuana. I would smoke occasionally, of course I would act like a silly teenager. Over the years and growing up and continuing to smoke on and off I have come to a realization. I realize when I am super stressed I smoke marijuana. It allows me to relax and calm down. It also helps me focus on getting certain things accomplished like the housework, the yard work, mending my clothes, even writing. There are times I do not smoke and just don't care if the house gets a deep clean. Marijuana works for me the way speed would for others pertaining to true concentration. Because you know when you are stoned you concentrate on sometimes nothing but watching t.v. Even watching t.v. can be annoying when you can not sit still. I think the use of marijuana can be effective with adult adhd when you feel there is way too much going on. The things I can focus on when I am not stoned are the things I am truly passionate about, which is college. Half the time when I am in public or hanging out with family I feel as though I am on the outside looking in. It feels as though a part of me is oblivious to everyone and everything around me. When I go to Walmart I am there concentrating on buying what I have to have, and I feel a little thrown off when I run into someone I know. I say smoke away!

I've been wondering the same thing. I think I may have adult ADD and have smoked pot every so often for about 15 years. I am lucky in that I get the same organic pot from the same person every time so it is always the same. To me, the difference is in the amount smoked. I only smoke a tiny bit, just enough to get my brain to calm down. I get just enough to be calm and quiet/able to listen, but not too much as to end up slow and sleepy. However, sometimes I feel like I have trouble retaining information obtained when I'm high, even if I was really focused on it when I was hearing or seeing it.

This works for me; I realize it's self medication, so I try to pay attention to the effects and I don't smoke every day.

I've been wondering that recently too. Personally I've found that weed alleviated some of the symptoms of adhd, most notably boredom, but made others like depression and impaired cognitive abilities worse. When I took marijuana as a medicine, the stronger doses severely inhibited my ability to function effectively in normal situations. The effects of regular medical marijuana also began to resemble those of speed, often times severely increasing my adhd symptoms. In my opinion marijuana is an effective treatment for adhd but should be avoided by those who have, or had, substance abuse issues.

Back when I was smoking pot I didn't know that I had adult ADHD. I wondered why I'd get high and be able to focus. It made no sense to me. Everyone else would be laughing and eating.

I'd be doing homework or cleaning house, concentrating. I thought it was only me but reading this, I had to comment .

Blessed Be!

~Timid Raven

Oh my, My story is a lot like yours. i used to take adderal and I did not like the sleepless nights and it would make my skin so dry. I recently tried smoking pot again and at first I hated it but then i realized if i just smoke a little that it does THE SAME EXACT THING FOR ME. My thoughts stop racing and Im able to get so much more done I dont need to talk as much and find it easier to relax enough to listen. I feel like it is easier to concentrate on getting things done. Although it has not stopped me from walking fast I'll take that. I feel that in a small dose it has really helped me feel more together. i'm so happy to hear that im not crazy and someone else is experiencing what I have experienced.

I have a very similar story. I had been on adderal for many years and really dislike the side effects of sleepless nights and dry skin. I had smoked pot and at first it was too much for me and made me anxious then when I would smoke just a tiny bit and i realized that i really worked for me. I usual scatter all over the place mind was at peace and daily task became easier to organize and execute with out so much stress. I became more focused and my usually very active mind was normal feeling and quiet. i feel I have foudn a solution to my server adhd issue. Im happy i am not the only one that feels this way

Hi everyone, it seems there are not alot of people here that, for one have adhd or two know extensively about it.

I was diagnosed with add, that was quickly re evaluated to adhd at the age of 6. All through my school years I struggled with things such as; attention span, memory, and anxiety. Luckily I crossed paths with quite a few people that were eager to help. Ive had everything from sitting on my hands to stress balls and ipods to ridilan and adderol.

Adhd is not something easily controllable, its compared to; people without it, their brains work as filling cabinets effectively storing information neatly. Someone with adhd does not file neatly, we throw all incoming information into a pile to be sorted through when you call upon information. Hense bad memory and easy distraction. Along with all this, your mind is constantly racing, explaining bad attention span. People diagnosed with adhd usually form habits for things such as caffeine and amphetamines. Things that speed other peoples minds up actually evens mine out. For example; people dont drink soda or eat candy before bed because the caffeine and sugar keep them up. For me it is different, without caffeine my mind is lost in its thoughts more than half the day, but as soon as I have caffeine, I can actually focus on one thing at a time ( maybe not for long periods of time, but narrows my field of attention ).

So with that rough depiction I will say I use marijuana as well. With moderate or medium levels of thc in your system you can notice that thoughts are more clear, prompt, and effective. Too high of levels ( varying obviously with exposure ), and your mind is scrambled so much that you must actually try to sustain a train of thought.

Marijuana has helped me immensely, I am able to accomplish more as well as retain information not only quicker but with better understanding. And as everyone says, marijuana has not proved to be physically addicting but can still form a habit that, especially people with adhd, will let consume parts of their day and or thought process. But come on, people usually try and do things to make them happy all the time.

I too recently discovered vyvanse, wich im taking 30 mg once a day for now. Ive noticed that, while not solving all my problems, it gives me the 'tools' persay, too actively work on getting better at all symptoms. So basically takes me from 5th gear to 4th. I do plan on raising dosage but after ridilan, i am cautious too move too fast as it could have a reverse reaction if introduced to quickly. Ive mixed both marijuana and vyvanse now every time, as I smoke everyday too help keep my mind steady. While I kept thc levels medium, I was able to think and act quickly upon things such as problem solving, reactions, thought process, and the retention of information. Im not only calm ( weed ) but well sorted out (vyvanse), making an almost perfect mix. While I have again not up ed my dosage, I do believe it too be beneficial for me all across the board.

Please keep in mind I am NOT a doctor and am NOT educating on the use of, but meerly speaking my mind as too the experience I have had. Thank you for reading.

Testimonials shared on 3/15/2014 from http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/c/question/953844/48093